Chevy

Cat Bathing as a Martial Art:

1. Know that although the cat has the advantages of speed and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do; a berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

2. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to use them to remove all of the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. Try canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

3. Prepare everything in advance - there is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water, put the bottle of kitty shampoo inside the glass enclosure, and make sure you can reach the towel...even if you are lying on your back underwater (hypothetically).

4. Use the element of surprise. Pick your cat up nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire as they have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

5. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to your survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water, and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun what might be the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

6. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he is now soapy, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you do have him, remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cat bathing is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

7. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting warmed up. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because the cat is now semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel, and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to reach down and dry the cat.

8. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic, developing the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry, but this isn't usually the case. He is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

If this method seems a bit too strenuous, try this.