Larry

Doggie Dictionary:

Bath: If you find something especially good to roll in, people get jealous and use this degrading form of torture to take the smell away You can get even by shaking the water off near your person or their favorite furniture.

Bicycles: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented to help dogs control body fat. For maximum aerobic benefit, hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly, and run alongside for a few yards. The person will then swerve and fall into the bushes, and you can prance away.

Bump: The best way to get your person's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

Children: Short people of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting. Fun to chase when they run, and if they fall down, they're comfortable to sit or lay on.

Deafness: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction or lying down.

Dog Bed: Any soft, clean surface - such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room

Drool: A liquid which, when combined with sad eyes, forces people to give you their food. To do this properly, you must sit as close as possible and get the drool directly onto the person.

Garbage Can: A containers which neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right, you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume, and moldy crusts of bread.

Goose Bump: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular Bump doesn't get you the attention you require. Especially effective when combined with the Sniff.

Lean: Every good dog's response to the "Sit!" command, especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

Leash: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person wherever you want him/her to go

Love: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way to express this feeling is by wagging your tail. If you're very lucky, a person will love you in return (although they express it somewhat differently).

Sniff: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to people's exchange of business cards

Thunder: A signal that the world is coming to an end. People remain amazingly calm during these storms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following them everywhere - close at their heels.

Wastebasket: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the house before your person comes home.