Sasha

A Dog's Letter to God

Dear God:

I have just a few questions...

1. Why do humans stop to smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell each other?

2. When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch, or is it still the same old story?

3. Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We LOVE a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle?

4. If a dog barks in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

5. We can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight patterns. What do humans understand?

6. More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

7. Are there mailmen in heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

And while you're deciding whether I get to 'stay' in heaven, consider this list of things I must remember to be a 'good dog:'

1. I will not eat the cat's food before they eat it - or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.

3. The litter box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a face towel.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way to say "Hello."

8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my privates.

12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy,' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Sincerely,

The Dog

P.S. When I get to heaven, can I have my testicles back?