Annie

Memo to the Family Dog & Cat:

1. When I say "move," it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please Note: Placing a paw or nose-print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)

3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me will not help because I can fall faster than you can run.

4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. Locate your inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other and stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it will not help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not necessary.)

7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to suddenly leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone, or jingle ball on me - no matter how hard it makes other family members laugh.

8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle or pile on the carpet. The face and whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it.

9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.

10. Dog & Cat: The proper order is to kiss me, then go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough.

In return for these considerations, I will post the following message on our front door:

Notes for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Complain About Our Pets: They live here; you don't. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. I like my pet(s) better than I like most people. To you it's an animal. To me, is an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and is speech-challenged. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, and don't care about the latest fashions.