Dopey

How to Pill a Cat:

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position your right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to his cheeks while holding the pill in your right hand. As the cat opens his mouth, pop the pill in. Allow the cat to close his mouth and swallow the pill.

2. Retrieve the pill from the floor and the cat from under the chair. Cradle the cat in your left arm and repeat Step 1.

3. Retrieve the cat from your bedroom and throw the soggy pill away.

4. Get a new pill. Cradle the cat in your left arm, holding his rear paws tightly with your left hand. Force his jaws open and push the pill to the back of his mouth with your right forefinger. Hold his mouth shut for a count of ten and release.

5. Retrieve the pill from the goldfish bowl and the cat from the top of your wardrobe. Enlist the aid of an assistant.

6. Kneel on the floor with the cat wedged firmly between your knees (ignore the low growls emitting from your cat). Have your assistant hold the cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing a wooden ruler into his mouth with the other hand. Slide the pill down the ruler into the cat's mouth. Rub the cat's throat vigorously and release.

7. Retrieve the cat from the curtain rail and get another pill. Make notes to buy a new ruler and have the curtains repaired. Carefully sweep your shattered figurines from the hearth and set them aside to be glued later.

8. Wrap the cat in a large towel and get your assistant to lie on him while allowing his head to peek out from beneath their armpit. Put the pill in a drinking straw, force the cat's mouth open with a pencil, and blow the pill down the straw.

9. Check the prescription label to make sure the pill is not harmful to humans. Drink several glasses of water to rinse the nasty taste away, bandage your assistant's forearm, and clean their blood from your carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve the cat from your neighbor's shed and get another pill. Place the cat in a cupboard and close the door on his neck leaving just his head showing. Force his mouth open with a spoon, and flick the pill down his throat with an elastic band.

11. Fetch a screwdriver from your garage and put the cupboard door back on its hinges. Apply a cold compress to your cheek and check your medical records for the date of your last tetanus shot. Throw your shredded shirt away and fetch a new one from your closet.

12. Call the fire department to retrieve the cat from the tree across the road. Apologize to the neighbor who crashed into a fence while swerving to avoid your cat. Get another pill.

13. Tie the cat's front paws to its rear paws with garden twine, and bind the cat tightly to the leg of your dining room table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves. Put them on, then force the cat's mouth open with a small trowel. Push the pill into his mouth and follow with a large fillet of steak. Hold his head vertically while you pour a half-pint of water down his throat to wash the pill down.

14. Get your assistant to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while the doctor stitches your fingers and forearms and removes the pill remnants from your right eye. Call a furniture shop on your way home to order a new table.

15. Get the last pill and the cat. Go into your bathroom and wrap the cat tightly in a fluffy towel, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle him in the crook of your arm, pick the pill up off the counter...

16. Retrieve the cat from the top of your shower door (you didn't know he could jump 5' straight up, did you?), and wrap the towel around him a little tighter. Make sure his paws can't come out this time. With your fingers on either side of his jaw, pry it open, and pop the pill into his mouth. Quickly close his mouth. Sit on the floor with the cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour while the pill dissolves.

17. Unwrap towel, open bathroom door, wash your scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for the next 3 1/2 hours - until it's time to give the next pill.